Goals and Rewards

Oobviously there's a goal weight I'm trying to reach here. But looking at that goal is reeeeeeally daunting sometimes. Because I'm talking about losing a total of 90 pounds. (One hundred and fifteen if you count from my heaviest weight!) And even with the 21 pounds I've lost since September, that leaves 68.6 pounds to go.

Almost 70 pounds?! That's going to take FOREVER!!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaaah!!!!!!

So instead of looking at the big picture, I'm trying to break things up. Ten pounds at a time. I can do ten pounds. It take a few weeks to a month, depending on how hard I work. But it's doable.

Now, what's the point of a goal if it doesn't come with a reward when reached?! That's the best part!! So I'm finding rewards for every 10 pounds lost. Little goals, little rewards.

For my first 10 pounds, I rewarded myself with a shopping spree. Well, sort of. I went to Target and stocked up on a bunch of workout gear! New pants, tees, undies, sports bras! It was actually sort of expensive. I should try to keep my rewards cheap. But it really was also a necessity. And it made me want to start working out again. I wake up in the morning and change into those clothes first thing. If I'm in them I'm much less likely to skip my workout!

I just reached my second goal this week. I haven't rewarded myself quite yet, but I'm hoping to get it in tomorrow when the two older kids are both in school. A pedicure!! I don't get them regularly, so for me it's a real treat! And pedicures are usually a summer thing. But having my toes done underneath my fall/winter boots makes me feel a little summery. :)

Next up? Thirty pounds gone. And since that's 1/3 of the way to my ultimate goal, I think I need a gooood reward! The plan? A massage of the professional variety. Well, sort of. There's a massage college not to far from here when I can get a pretty dang good massage for super cheap. You can bet I'll be working HARD for those next ten pounds knowing there's a massage coming!!

After 30 pounds, I'm not quite sure. I figure I can choose rewards as I go. Maybe it will be a good pair of running shoes, a fun new bag, or a girls night out with a friend. We'll see. And after a certain point, I'm going to need some "in between" clothes to wear until I reach my goal. Maybe that will be my half way reward. But choosing rewards to keep me motivated is important for me. Sure seeing the numbers decrease is a bit of a reward in and of itself, but I'm greedy. I need MORE!!

And simple "ten pounds at a time" goals aren't enough. You know "they" say you need to have measurable goals. Things like, "I will eat 3-5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day" or "I will exercise for 30 minutes at least 3 times per week". I have some of those too. And I mix it up with long and short term goals.

There are the simple ten pound goals, and there's the ultimate goal. And the ultimate goal needs the ultimate reward! I have to main ending goals. One is just to reach my goal weight. And when that happens the obvious reward is a shopping spree!! Right now I hate shopping. I hate trying on fat clothes that don't fit right. But that shopping spree should be a blast! Finally being able to shop for clothes in the "normal" range of sizes?! I can't wait!!

And my second big goal is to complete the P90X Challenge. When I'm in better shape and getting close to my goal I'm sure I'll need something tough like this to get me there. The hubby wants to do it, too. And by then I'll no longer be breastfeeding, so we are planning to dump the kids on Grandma and Grandpa and take a cruise together! We never really got to go on a honeymoon, so we're super looking forward to the idea of getting away like this. Hopefully next summer!!!

Focusing on the little goals and rewards and reminding myself of the BIG rewards coming down the road help me to stay focused when the will power is running low. And since next summer seems so far away, it's really nice to be able to tell myself I just have 9 measly pounds to go before I get that massage!!!

The Stats

Numbers matter. No matter what anyone says. They tell us where we've come from, where we are and how we're doing when we can't "see" or "feel" it. On days that I "feel" fat, the number on the scale might make me feel better.

Sure, it goes both ways. I might be feeling great and then step on the scale to see a gain and want to throw myself off a bridge. (Yes, I can be a little dramatic at times. So?) But then there are other things to give me a reality check. Like taking measurements, or looking at how far I've come from the beginning.

For me, numbers are usually a GOOD thing.

So I figured I'd better start with some. I know a lot of women are really uncomfortable sharing their weight. And sometimes I feel that way too. But really, what are we trying to hide? It's not like you can't figure out that I'm fat by looking at me! So who cares if the number confirms it!

I will be recording some starting numbers today. And then I'll check in weekly with new numbers to show my progress and keep those numbers on my sidebar. Easy enough?

So here they are:

My highest weight ever: 245 pounds

(9 months pregnant with Lucas)

My "starting" weight: 219.6 pounds

(this is what I weighed in September when I decided I needed to put some effort into this weight loss thing again)

My current weight: 198.6 pounds

(That's right! Since September I've lost a total of 21 pounds! That's with vacations, a major food holiday, and lots of parties in between!! Feeling pretty good!)

My goal weight: 130 pounds

(For my height I should weigh between 120 and 160 pounds. I've set my personal goal at 130 pounds. If I get close and need to adjust, up OR down, I will. But for now, that's the number I'm reaching for!)

As for measurements, I didn't actually think to take these at first. So as of today, here they are:

Bicep: 13.5 inches

Chest: 44.75 inches

Waist: 39 inches

Hips: 48.75 inches

Thighs: 29.5 inches

Yikes! Those are some BIG numbers!! But hopefully when I take measurements again, they'll be a little lower, right? Right.

I guess I should establish a check in day. Mondays are always good, right? So Monday morning it is! Can't wait to see my progress on Monday!!

The Plan

Here's the deal. I've bounced around from diet to diet. Dabbled in a little of everything. And they all work. As long as you're doing them. The second you stop, the weight comes right back, right? There are low carb/high protein diets, there's cutting dairy, there is the raw diet, there's the food guide pyramid or there's the plate, and there are all kinds of other ideas out there.

Just type "diet" into your google search and you'll find links to South Beach, Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, hCG, and that's not even all that are on the first page!! Check out this list to see how much crazy is out there. That's a list of 90 different diet trends! NINETY!!!!!!

This shouldn't be so complicated! The ONLY thing that works is the tried and true "eat healthy and exercise" plan. So that's my plan. To simply make healthy choices. I'm just sticking with the basics:

I'm drinking LOTS of water.

I'm eating protein (beans, nuts, seeds, legumes, eggs), lots of fruits and veggies, whole grains (oatmeal, whole grain breads and pastas, brown and wild rice, couscous, quinoa, etc.), and low fat dairy products (yogurt, cheese, and skim milk).

I'm watching my portions.

I'm MOVING my body. My goal right now is just to get 30 minutes of exercise in three times per week. Eventually I'll do more, but for now, at least I'm doing something!!

I'm not limiting anything! I have chocolate in my house and if there's a birthday party you can bet I'll be eating cake.

And last, I'm taking a multi-vitamin. Because I'm breastfeeding. And because it's just common sense!

When you lay it out like that it seems so easy. But the truth is: bad habits and emotions and hectic schedules and cravings definitely come into play. A lot. But I've got to find ways around all of that if this is going to last. I have to figure out what I'm going to do if I've had a bad day or if I'm stuck out running kids around and can't make a home cooked healthy meal.

But it's possible! I can do this. I've got a plan. :)

The Back Story

Hi! My name is McKenna. Allow me to introduce myself. Long story short, I'm a mom who is trying to lose weight. A lot of weight. Now are you ready for way to much information? Because with me, there's no such thing as "long story short". :) So here's the story:

I've been skinny my whole life. Not rail thin, not super model thin, but definitely thin. Although I have struggled with my weight and body imagine since I was way too young to be worrying about that stuff.

After high school I gained some weight. I was still thin, but at the higher recommended range of "normal" for my height. However, I did nothing to change it. I didn't work out. I didn't do anything about my eating. I would eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

And then I got married in 2004. To my very bestest friend, Jason.

Here's us then...and here he is now.

(In that picture I am 20 years old and had gained about 20 or so pounds from my high school weight. But you can see I was still pretty thin.)

That's when two things happened. First, we were broke newlyweds and I just had to cook what I could. So I cooked what I knew. Creamy, cheesy, fatty, meat-filled casserole type meals. Just about every single night. And second, we got pregnant. Right away. No, it was not planned. Or prevented. We were young and stupid. But she's the best mistake we ever made!!

Here's our sweet little preemie surprise, then and now. Well, close to now. This was actually last year before school started. Isn't she stunning?? Love that girl!!

During my pregnancy I was sick. Not hooked-to-an-IV-the-whole-time sick, but sick like I was plastered-to-the-couch-and-puking-all-day-and-night sick. I literally laid on the couch for about 4 months straight watching reruns of Law and Order: SVU and running to the bathroom every so often. But somehow it didn't keep me from eating. I would eat anything I could keep down, whether it was coming up later or not. It was miserable.

And then finally about half way through the pregnancy it let up. So I did what I had heard about all growing up: I ate for TWO. Because that's what pregnancy was about! Cravings, eating whatever you wanted, and just enjoying this new phase of life!

Payson came a month early. In 8 months I had gained about 50 pounds. (I say "about" because we didn't own a scale so I really don't know my starting weight, but I'd guess somewhere around 150-160 lbs.) I weighed 204 lbs when she was born. Yikes! But I planned to breastfeed and had heard that breastfeeding just melted the weight right off, so I didn't freak out. Then unfortunately, because of several circumstances surrounding her premature birth, I wasn't able to breastfeed. So I hovered around 175-180 lbs.

I tried to lose the baby weight in between a couple of times. I even signed up for LA Weight Loss at one point. It was well out of our budget, but I did it anyway. And then on top of the initial costs, I couldn't afford the nasty bars and shakes and protein powders and such that came along with it. Eventually I just gave up.

After a couple of years we found ourselves pregnant again. And this time I was starting my pregnancy much heavier than the first time around. When Jack arrived I weighed 224 lbs! Twenty pounds more than with Payson! Ouch! I promised myself I would lose the weight as soon as Jack was born. And I vowed to do everything I could to breastfeed this time to speed things along.

Here's Jack's then and now. :) And the pudgy version of me that I had become. But aren't those blue eyes totally worth it?? And yes, my hair is naturally curly. Don't envy it. The grass is always greener on the other side!

After Jack was born, I WAS able to breastfeed, and it was actually true! Breastfeeding really did help the weight melt off!! At least at first. And then the weight loss came to a halt. I stopped right around 185 lbs again. So I joined Curves. I went as three times a week and eventually also signed up for their nutrition classes.

But somehow I let life get to me and I fell off the wagon again. I was back to 185-ish pounds again.

Then in late 2008/early 2009 I read a book called Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I was so motivated!! I decided that I would become a vegetarian. I wasn't sure for how long, but I wanted to try it out. My dad had done it for about 3 years once and he lost a ton of weight and said he felt great! So I committed to doing it for two weeks and then I'd see how I felt.

In January of 2009 I also bought an elliptical machine. My husband's job took him out of town a lot so he wasn't home to watch the kids while I went to the gym and there was no child care at any gyms in our small town. So the elliptical it was!!

I started in February 2009. The first two weeks were tough. I really didn't like many of the recipes from Eat to Live, but I didn't know what else to cook! So I turned to the internet and found so many wonderful recipes! It was so easy to find something I enjoyed that was healthy AND meatless. After two weeks, I was actually starting to enjoy it and decided to keep going. I was building up endurance on the elliptical and had lots of energy with this new meat free diet.

Within 2 or 3 months I had lost about 30 pounds! I was so thrilled! I could SEE the difference and not just on the scale, which motivated me so much more! In May I went shopping for all new clothes and was fitting into much smaller sizes than the last time I'd shopped. I was so happy with how I felt!!

The first photo here was taken in late May/early June 2009 on an anniversary trip. The second was from family pictures that summer. Apparently I was in a hair-straightening stage. :) In these photos I still felt chubby and knew I had a lot of work to do, but I was really happy with how my body was changing.

Sometime that summer I started eating meat again. It was just easier with a meat eating family. I got lazy, I guess. And I wasn't working out as consistently. But I was maintaining what I'd lost fairly well, which I was happy with.

And then that fall we decided to get pregnant again. I was nervous about the pregnancy weight gain, but I decided to just work hard to keep the pregnancy gain to a healthy range this time around and then get back to work as soon as the baby arrived.

We were thrilled when we got pregnant right away! I was super tired, but not too sick in the beginning. We went to California (where I grew up, actually) that Thanksgiving with my family and I was even managing my weight on vacation. I hadn't gain or lost anything, which felt pretty good.

Here I am in line for the Matterhorn with my cute baby sisters. Still a little chubby, but not bad considering I was pregnant and was down from a high of 224 pounds!!

I was a little worried about the holidays, but I had done fine at Thanksgiving and on vacation, so I knew that if I tried to be good through December I would be fine. I kept using the elliptical here and there and doing some work out DVDs in between. I was eating meat, but not eating too much. Managing a pregnancy was the new goal, not losing weight.

I had my first appointment in December of 2009. I was 3 months along. We took the kids with us to hear the baby's heartbeat. When they couldn't find it I wasn't worried. This had happened with Jack. They had done an ultrasound and we had seen his little heart beating away. I was sure this would be the same. They brought in the portable ultrasound machine and couldn't find the heart beat. That's when I got nervous.

So they sent us in to the ultrasound tech to have a larger scan done. After a couple of minutes (that felt like hours) of silence, the tech just said, "I'm sorry". And went to get the midwife. I was devastated. And maybe that's an understatement.

There were some complication with my miscarriage. In April 2010 I finally had a D&C to resolve the issues. At that point I know I had gained weight but I didn't care. I was in a dark place. I was too focused on my grief and loss and worrying about getting pregnant again.

Which happened fairly quickly. We got pregnant again in May! Again we were thrilled, but this time terrified as well. We had learned that pregnancy didn't always end in a baby, which made it difficult to get too excited this time around. Although I was pretty confidant that things would be fine.

They weren't. I miscarried again in late July. This time was even harder than the first to get through. And again, I ate my feelings. I didn't think about my weight gain at all. I just didn't care. We took off about a week later to Lake Powell with the family. It was a perfect escape. I needed to be surrounded with people I loved and just forget about life for a little while.

Strangely, this is the only picture of me I could find from that Lake Powell trip. Still chubby. Okay, let's face it. Not just chubby. I'm fat. And I'm on the floor of the houseboat picking up a bat with a plastic baggy over my hand. It's a weird picture. But hey! My hair looks good and I'm tan!! :)

After Lake Powell I decided I was tired of being sad and mad and everything in between so I started trying to lose weight again. I just needed something else to focus on. I was eating healthy and drinking lots of water and starting to work out again.

It lasted about 2 months. And then in late October/early November 2010 I found out I was pregnant again!! Holy cow! They may not all stick, but we sure do get pregnant easy! I immediately stopped working out and started to see a high risk specialist. They put me on supplements and vitamins and meds to support the pregnancy, restricted me from working out, and monitored things closely.

The pregnancy went well in the beginning. At about 7 weeks we found out there were two babies, but one's heart had already stopped beating. I was so grateful for the baby that was still growing! But I was terrified we would lose that one too. I was very detached from the pregnancy. It was really a strange experience.

About halfway I started to feel more confident. I was gaining a LOT of weight, but I wasn't focusing on my health at all. And then in March of this year we received another blow. My best friend's 8 week old daughter passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. Without going into details, I'll just say that this was the hardest thing I'd ever experienced in my life. Harder than my miscarriages. And I hadn't even lost my own child.

After some time and counseling (I dealt with some post traumatic stress disorder from Sammy's death), things got a little better. It has been a difficult couple of years though.

I had started my pregnancy with Lucas at about 185 lbs. And I had gained more during that pregnancy that I had with any of my others. By the end of my pregnancy I was 245 pounds. That's more than 100 pounds more than I should weigh!! It was not pretty. And I was miserable.

This picture is me and Payson at her dance recital in late May 2011. I'm about 7 months pregnant here. And I'd gained a LOT of weight!

Finally, in July our sweet baby boy arrived! He brought us so much joy and healing! More than I ever could have imagined.

This is our little Lucas the night he was born, and again in October. Look at the sweet, smiling baldy! I could just eat him up!!

Lucas brought so much change with him. Jason noticed it while we were still in the hospital. It was more than just that initial sleep-deprived baby bliss. He really brought such joy back into our lives after two years of so much pain.

After a couple of months of healing from his birth, I realized that I needed to do this NOW. I need to get myself back into shape and living healthy NOW. I need to make myself a priority. I need to learn how to live healthy even when life is really, really, really hard.

This picture is in early September. The belly might be bulging a little less, but not by much. And the arms/face/everywhere else are still the same size as the last picture. Yuck! And as you can see I'm still fitting into maternity clothes more than 2 months after Lucas was born.

So I got started. In late September I started to focus on my eating again. My best friend was getting on the South Beach Diet. I bought the book and a recipe book and decided to try it along with her. I just needed SOMETHING to get me focused again.

Now if you've kept track at all, this would be the third "diet" I've mentioned. There was Curves, LA Weight Loss, and South Beach. Somewhere in between there was the Eat to Live book, Dr. Phil's weight loss book, and a few others. Then there were the DVDs, as well as trying to lose weight on my own several times.

After about a week or so of following the South Beach diet, I felt like I was really back on track. But I was eating a LOT of meat. I started thinking about Eat to Live again. I realized that every time I've tried a "diet" it has only worked short term. The best success I'd had was as a vegetarian. I'd felt better then than I ever had.

So in October I ditched the meat, this time with a commitment. Not as an experiment. And I started doing what I've done before. Sensible eating. Moderate exercise. And some other things I've learned along the way.

And that is where I am today. Here. And now I'm adding to it. I'm blogging the journey. I'm giving myself a place to record, to be accountable, and to share. So there's the back story. Didn't believe me when I said I don't do "long story short"? Betcha do now!!

If you're like me and somewhere in the middle of this journey to health, I hope you'll stick with me. Maybe we can share some tips and tricks along the way and reach our goals together!